I guess I'll blog

So here I am at 130 am and I am not asleep. So I decided I would make a blog. I was going to post on facebook and thought what's the point, no one wants to read it anyway and if they do they won't know how to respond. This whole experience has taught me that people don't know what to say to you in this situation. I totally get that! What exactly does one say to someone whose sister was murdered?! If it were me I guarantee I would be at a loss for words. People lose loved ones all the time. For some it is expected and other the loss is sudden. Never the less there is heartache involved. However, this situation, my situation is a unique one.

I grew up in a small town. Minutes away from the small town my sister lived in. Stuff like this isn't supposed to happen there. This tragedy has definitely rocked that little town. I am sure there were very few people that knew someone that was murdered before this happened. I understand these people "love" my sister and will deeply miss her. They lost a friend, a neighbor or acquaintance. I lost my sister. For me, the loss is deeper. I am not saying for one minute that doesn't lessen the loss that they feel. It's just different.

Tomorrow marks the four week mark since I last talked to my sister. The last time I heard her voice. The conversation for the most part was a normal, everyday conversation. We talked about her wedding, our diets that we were trying, the TV shows we were watching and our kids. We discussed our mom's move and we were planning that. Never once did I think that was going to be the last conversation I would have with her. The things I would have said if I had only known.

As I process what has happened and the information that I receive, I can't help but think of the what ifs. Trust me there are a lot of them. One day I'll be able to talk about them. There will come a day when I'll have the answers to some of my what if questions. I think that is one of the hardest things right now. The lack of information and what information we have are only small pieces to a very big puzzle. Those answers will come, until then we wait.