My Journey to the New Normal

So I was sitting here feeling rather sorry for myself and wishing that things in my life were different. I saw a commercial with someone blogging and thought it's been awhile. I have started a post here and there but end up deleting them. Blogging has been somewhat of a good release for me and I thought blogging might help today. Anyway, it has been a hard year, to say the least. If anyone would have told me that this year would turn out to be what it has I would have told them that they were on drugs and to move on. Losing someone you love or in my case losing three people I have loved in one year is rather exhausting. There is not much left in me somedays, I can tell you that. Nothing prepares you for their loss. Whether you expect it or not. Grief is consuming and it's ridiculously unpredictable. There is not a day that is the same and just when I think that I've moved on I get smacked in the face with some emotion or another that somedays brings me right back to ...

So that title is rather cryptic, right? It's pretty much the truth, though. The last few days I have been combing through countless pictures looking for pictures of my sister. I found more than I thought I had. Looking at them, brought back lots of memories. It was hard and there were a lot of feelings. I was not prepared for that. I didn't expect it to be as hard as it was. Those pictures are essentially the only tangible things we have left to remember her. They represent a whole lifetime, well they do now. When Laura died we wanted to put together something together for her funeral. We had plans to do that. Then things took the turn that they did. It just didn't end coming together, until now I guess. I am working on an album and Scott is working on a video. We want to have it all ready for our family get together in a week. This get together is actually on what would have been Laura's wedding day. We debated a little as a family about getting together that day....

I started this blog post Tuesday... I kind of just kept it in my draft box until today. I started writing it on what was the two month anniversary of my sister's death. I have tried to post it a couple times, but haven't been able to hit the publish button. Living life after Laura, as I like to call it has been incredibly hard. Sometimes, I want to freeze time so everything stays the same and so the memories won't fade. Some people expect that I should be over it, some expect me to be drowning in sorrow, and some expect me to be right where I am right now. Where I am right now is somewhere in between, honestly everyday is different.  Anyway, here is my post from Tuesday.... So I am currently sitting on a plane pondering life, eating biscoff cookies, drinking diet coke and thought blogging sounds fun. We’re on the way home from a somewhat impromptu yet planned trip to Utah. Going to Utah was a hard thing for me do. I didn’t realize how hard it was actually going to ...

This year, holy cow. 2019 needs to hurry and get here. I've been preparing myself for this month of July, waiting for something to happen. This has seemed to be the case for 2018, every other month has sucked. It all started in January when Scott's grandma passed away. In March we had to put my dad in a nursing home and in May, Laura. Today I got news that good friends of our lost their precious daughter. I have known this family for 26 years. They are good people, all of them! I was actually almost a part of it, in what seems to be a lifetime ago now. My heart breaks for them because I understand just a little of what they are going through. To lose a loved one, that pain is indescribable. Even going through my grief process, I can only imagine how they feel. The thing I am learning about grief and loss is that no two people go through the same thing. People experience different stages at different times.  In my house Scott and I are never in the same place as o...

The past few days have been hard. The truth is I miss my sister, I will always miss her. I never knew you could miss someone so much. This whole grief comes in waves thing, it's nothing but the truth. I try to find a balance to function through the grief. Most days I think that I have a pretty good handle on things. The past few I am really not sure if I have or not. Just after Laura died and we were back in Michigan, friends from our church took such awesome care of us and honestly still are. One of them brought me dinner one night and told me "Charyl, no matter what get out of bed and get dressed." Some days that's pretty much all that happens. I have tried to keep it all together and I have a feeling that I am not doing all that great of a job. I can't remember the last time I made dinner, I've rewashed the same load of laundry three times now because, I forgot to switch it. My schoolwork is slipping and I feel like I am a lousy friend. I am not sure t...

So I come to you this hot Monday evening, thinking about the weekend I just had.  This weekend was a tough one and a good one all at the same time.  It started out on the dreaded Friday. (refer to my previous post for an explanation if needed) This Friday was no different than the ones before. I did spend a good part of it with my brother and that was good. It was good to be with him and share our feelings, thoughts, and tears. This has definitely brought us closer together. I often think that we are all we have left for each other. It's just the two of us. We took my sister's kids out to lunch and I know for a certainty that we made a  wee bit of a scene with the shenanigans that were taking place. He definitely got them laughing and being silly. That was good for our hearts. I could feel mine ever so slightly start to heal just a little bit. It was good to laugh together! After that, I took my sister's kids to pick out their mom's headstone. As I...