Two Months

I started this blog post Tuesday... I kind of just kept it in my draft box until today. I started writing it on what was the two month anniversary of my sister's death. I have tried to post it a couple times, but haven't been able to hit the publish button. Living life after Laura, as I like to call it has been incredibly hard. Sometimes, I want to freeze time so everything stays the same and so the memories won't fade. Some people expect that I should be over it, some expect me to be drowning in sorrow, and some expect me to be right where I am right now. Where I am right now is somewhere in between, honestly everyday is different. 

Anyway, here is my post from Tuesday....

So I am currently sitting on a plane pondering life, eating biscoff cookies, drinking diet coke and thought blogging sounds fun. We’re on the way home from a somewhat impromptu yet planned trip to Utah. Going to Utah was a hard thing for me do. I didn’t realize how hard it was actually going to be until I got there. It was the first trip that we had taken since Laura died. I knew going out there that there were going to be a lot of questions. Of course there were going to be. I was going out see people that love and care about me and want me to be ok. They were and are concerned about me. I was worried how I was going to handle those questions. How I was going to feel rehashing everything, going over details that still two months later still bring tears to my eyes and me make feel nauseous. Two months, it's been two months. It seems like it was yesterday and life time ago all in the same. Time has made it sting a little less, but still this is probably the hardest thing that I will ever have to deal with.

Well going to Utah, went better than I thought it would. It was still incredibly hard though. There were tears, there were feelings that I couldn’t express. I felt like people were a little nervous around me, it was the elephant in the room, and people didn’t know if they should talk about it or let alone to me. I get it, really I do. I am the girl whose sister was murdered. How does one approach that? I am sure people just didn’t want to make me feel uncomfortable that is totally fine. I get it, I would have done it too if I were in their shoes.

That being said the love and support I felt was so amazing. It was so comforting to be surrounded by those people who have been such an important part of my life and just wanted to be there for me. They all just wanted to give me a hug and tell me they were sorry. I will forever be grateful for their love and support. It means the world to me.

It was good to get away from reality for a week, to be back with the mountains and the dry heat. It was nice to be where there is an abundance of Mexican food and soda shops.

Most of all, it was great to be with my Utah support system. There have been so many people with me through this journey, through the tears, the sadness and the anger. This journey that I am on is an awful one. I am glad that they have decided to join me. I am sure without them I’d be lost. However because of them I know that there can be joy in this journey and they are going to help me find it.