It's been awhile....

So I was sitting here feeling rather sorry for myself and wishing that things in my life were different. I saw a commercial with someone blogging and thought it's been awhile. I have started a post here and there but end up deleting them. Blogging has been somewhat of a good release for me and I thought blogging might help today.

Anyway, it has been a hard year, to say the least. If anyone would have told me that this year would turn out to be what it has I would have told them that they were on drugs and to move on.

Losing someone you love or in my case losing three people I have loved in one year is rather exhausting. There is not much left in me somedays, I can tell you that. Nothing prepares you for their loss. Whether you expect it or not.

Grief is consuming and it's ridiculously unpredictable. There is not a day that is the same and just when I think that I've moved on I get smacked in the face with some emotion or another that somedays brings me right back to square one. I have to realize that I have to roll with punches and let this journey happen and the more that I fight that harder it will be. I hate change, I like to have things planned and organized. Grief is definitely something that you can't plan around. Trust me I have tried. So I guess here I am accepting that I can't change this process.

It's been just over six months since Laura was taken from us and five weeks since my dad passed. Quantifying the time since they've been gone makes my heart hurt. Realizing that life will never be the same is tough. Wanting it to be different, hoping that this has all been bad a dream is crushing because there is no way that is possible.

After Laura died, dad's health started to decline a little quicker. I honestly put dealing with things about Laura's death on the back burner to deal with that. With Dad's passing, those things have come front and center. It was a slap in the face for sure when I realized that I buried them and I now had to process them. I felt like I was taking steps back in my healing.

I have been pretty angry for the last five weeks, with the passing of my dad. I just couldn't help but feel a void that should have been filled by Laura. She should have been here helping me through this. She should have been at the hospital with me when dad passed, she should have been sitting with me at the funeral, she just should have been there and she wasn't. The answers to why are far down the road and we may never truly get all of them.

As the holidays approach, I am dreading every minute. I am trying to pull it together for my family to make it at least decent but only time will tell if I will be successful in that. I just don't know. Holidays used to be a big deal and now I struggle to find the joy in them. I worry about being the family outcast and that I'll be seen as the family Scrooge. I guess it is just hard for people to understand. I found that about a lot of things, people just don't understand. Even if they have been through something similar, it's not the same for everyone.

So here at this point on my journey the only thing I can do it take one day at a time. To accept the things that can't be changed. This is not an easy road and somedays I wish there was a map.