I was supposed to be at a bridal shower....

So I come to you this hot Monday evening, thinking about the weekend I just had.  This weekend was a tough one and a good one all at the same time.  It started out on the dreaded Friday. (refer to my previous post for an explanation if needed) This Friday was no different than the ones before. I did spend a good part of it with my brother and that was good. It was good to be with him and share our feelings, thoughts, and tears. This has definitely brought us closer together. I often think that we are all we have left for each other. It's just the two of us.

We took my sister's kids out to lunch and I know for a certainty that we made a  wee bit of a scene with the shenanigans that were taking place. He definitely got them laughing and being silly. That was good for our hearts. I could feel mine ever so slightly start to heal just a little bit. It was good to laugh together!

After that, I took my sister's kids to pick out their mom's headstone. As I sat there in the office of the memorial place with them as they made incredibly adult decisions about granite and wording, I couldn't help but think there is no way that I could have done this at their ages. I sat there and thought why the hell do we have to do this!?!? That question is going to haunt me for a while I imagine.

As I settled into bed that night, I realized that, I was supposed to have been at a Laura's bridal shower that day. Instead of having fun with friends and family, at the time of her bridal shower I was picking out her headstone. I felt yet another blow, the blow of disappointment that yet again I couldn't experience something with my sister. I thought that this is just the beginning of such events. There are going to be times where we would have been doing things together and she won't be with me. That realization stung. There are many realizations like that as of late. I am learning that how I cope with those realizations is going to make or break me. 

This is journey has been a trial of my faith. It has made me question everything. It has made me stronger. I hope in time it will make me a better person.