This is incredibly hard

I said once on this journey that I thought I had been through hard times before Laura died. Honestly, nothing compares to this. The rough spots in my marriage, we overcame those. The battle with infertility, we adopted. Financial hardships, we learned from our mistakes. Losing Laura, saying that takes my breath away. That can't be fixed, there is no solution to remedy this.

Fridays seem to be the hardest days so far. I haven't quite figured out why. I think it was because Friday, May 11th, is when it became real. Friday was the first morning I woke up knowing for sure that my sister was dead. Friday was the day we planned her funeral, what would, in turn, be our final goodbye. Friday was the last day I trusted the man who my sister loved. Friday was the day my life changed. Friday was the first day of the new reality of my life. 

As the days go on, the reality sets in more. Sometimes, I still need to tell myself this is real. This happened, your sister was murdered, she's not coming back. Someone cared more about saving himself than making things right (allegedly). I think that is what bugs me the most and I don't even know all the details. Why on earth did he make the decisions he did. I am not sure that I will ever know the answer to that.

As I try to pick up the pieces of my life, I wonder what my new normal is going to be. Are Fridays going to haunt me forever? Will I ever be able to look at her picture without tearing up? Will I ever sleep normal again? Will I ever go back to some sort of normalcy? I know that I will never be the same that is for sure. I pray that somehow, someway I come out a better person, not a bitter person. I have a lot that I could be bitter about. I have a lot to be angry about. I have a lot to be sad about. I also in the grand scheme of things have a lot to be happy about I guess. I can be happy that I had a great relationship with Laura. I can be happy that I got to talk to her the night before she died. I can be happy that I know where she is and who she is with. I can be happy that one day I'll see her again. It is just going to take some time to get to where being happy is where I want to be.